Although hospitality is generally a culturally-imposed idea, it is also a biblical one. We are commanded to be hospitable (1 Peter 4:9). I think it's because Christians are supposed to be loving or something. The jury is still out on that one.
So in our quest to be hospitable, parents and teachers will find themselves in some mad rush to "instill" some form of an idea of hospitality in the children under their guidance. Because it is, as mentioned, a culturally imposed ideal, how polite and hospitable the children under one's care appear to be directly reflects the guardian responsible. So it is often more "coerced" rather than "instilled" into them, because of the parents' or guardians' pride.
Still, some avoid learning hospitality altogether. Up to a certain point, one may blame the parents for acquired rudeness, but when someone is old enough to drive, dress themselves, go to law school, etc., and can't figure out the concept of, say, feeding their guests, the blame falls squarely upon their great, logical shoulders.
When hospitality is involved, there are deviations. Yet even with cultural differences in different countries, what remains the same throughout are these two opposing ways to view the same subject. There are two types of hospitality that are "instilled" or "coerced," and they are as follows:
1. Hospitality from Reception - "Do not be an inconvenience"
2. Hospitality from Giving - "Nothing is an inconvenience, you are guests"
The two are very different, even though the focus for both is on not being "impolite." However, Hospitality from Reception focuses on the receiving end of hospitality, while Hospitality from Giving focuses on the giving end. One is self-centered, the other is focused on other people.
In the doctrine of Hospitality from Reception, what's being taught is not hospitality, but rather the opposite. The theme is "Don't be an inconvenience! Don't put people out of their way." The children are taught that this is what being polite is - not being noticed. But this is actually rubbish. Because the emphasis is on how those on the receiving end behave, entertaining others will become almost impossible. Besides the fact that guests are few and far between in these types of homes, everyone is taught that it is impolite to be an "inconvenience," therefore they will be quick to see the "impoliteness" in their guests, making it extremely difficult to tolerate them at all.
Most people who teach their children Hospitality from Reception are those whose pride is greater than Mount Everest, deeper than the ocean, and fatter than that man at Burger King. They are intensely afraid of being noticed - they are paranoid of discovery. They often have a facade of neatness that is their only security. Hospitality is their enemy, because guests or hosts may discover the inner-workings of their lives, and that it isn't as pretty as it first appears. And, as fatty-pride takes over, it becomes a horrifying fear.
Not only does this grossly analytical approach make it impossible to teach true hospitality, but it makes it exceedingly difficult to teach manners. Not only is the comfort of the guests not even considered (because people are simply objects of which to calculate cost and expense), but the focus is disgustingly on self, money, and pride. If we follow this doctrine devoutly to its end, we will find that it is not actually a type of hospitality, but rather a disguised Anti-Hospitality. Too afraid to accept gifts from others, Receptionists will often rudely disallow Givers the pleasure of hosting them. Even though:
The doctrine of Hospitality from Giving states that while someone is a guest, it is the host's pleasure to entertain. What is overly emphasized is that it is extremely rude to not treat guests like royalty. Not only is anyone welcome for however long they desire, the Giver-host will be extremely embarrassed and/or appalled to find that their guest has been uncomfortable in any way, or needed something and didn't ask for it. The theme is "You are not an inconvenience. When you're under this roof, you are a guest, and will be treated like one." The guest is treated like a human instead of like an object of capital.
What you'll find is that with Hospitality from Giving, the Giver-hosts are taught to try to be as accommodating as possible, so they are in a sense at the guests' mercy. Because of this, they will often make better guests, because they will understand politeness to be whatever type of guest they would like to host themselves. Therefore, because the emphasis is on others, politeness as a guest never really needs to be taught, because they will already have a mindset of trying to accommodate and please others that will remain even when roles are switched.
The difference between the two angles is that one of them looks at the self, and the other looks inherently to others. One loves with true hospitality, while the other pretends to be polite, so that no one can hold them accountable or topple their self-importance. One treats the guests like human souls, the other like capital. Unsurprisingly, it all comes back to love.
While Christians are told to be hospitable, it seems important to also figure out what exactly that means. And since Christians are to love others like Christ loved us, it is only natural that love should find its way into the discussion.
"Without love I am nothing." And without love, so is our hospitality.
What a great article. I felt like you were reading my very soul for part (ok most) of that, and I learned something. Thank you for an excellent, well-thought-out response to a commonly unspoken-of issue.
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