As you probably guessed from the
title (and rightly so), this post is primarily about illiterate and ignorant
fools who have the audacity to get involved in relationships with other people
without the slightest notion of how to absolve conflict, and with very little
desire to either.
No, this is not a joke. There are
actual, breathing people who wonder why they have no prospective mates lining
up at their doors, why they have no one really close to them, and they actually
have no desire to ever work problems out. So I suppose I could go on and on
about how it is completely logical to work things out when you get in an
argument with someone you desire future friendship with. But being that that
falls under the illustrious category of “common sense,” I feel as though stating
it will do no good. Let’s face it; if you don’t see the importance of solving
conflicts, some intellectual stimulation will be as useful to you as underwear
on a bowling ball. Digression.
It would seem the fathomable idea
would be for me to instead list the top eight logical ways friends and
abhorrent apes can dare scale the great Mount Ego and lower themselves and
their guttural grunts to the level of understanding befitting humanity, in
order to form a more perfect friendship with harp music and dancing angelic
beings that are hopefully not demonic. Digression.
Top Eight Logical Ways:
#1
Actually Have the Desire to Solve the Conflict.
This seems like it would be a given. But then… it seems like it would be a
given that toilet paper would be available in public restrooms, but a quick
trip to Europe reminds us that sometimes we as humans overestimate the mental
capacity of other people and their foresight (I’m certain the construction of a
Taco Bell would quickly change their no-toilet-paper policy, but as of yet, you
may want to bring your own).
It doesn’t seem like it should need
to be said, or written, but this actually seems to be a common problem in
relationships with all types of people. They have no actual desire to work out
problems and then they go about the earth in a confused and appalling manner,
masticating large chocolates, drooling heavily from their crooked lips, and
wondering why on earth they are not in the midst of some wondrous friendship.
The reason is that while they may say they are working problems out, in reality
they are being immature, sniveling three-year-olds, crying about their problems
but never explaining their feelings.
I would guess the reason they don’t
like talking about their feelings is that they have convinced themselves they
do not have any feelings. Which is
ridiculous, for how else would they be in this mess to begin with, and why else
would this very rude blog post offend them so much?
#2
Communicate. This cannot be
overstated, although I will attempt to. When someone is involved in a
relationship of any type, it is of the most basic practicality that those two
people must develop some means of communication. If you have some aversion and
repugnance to speaking with someone, why are you even friends? What do you
expect, for Charles Xavier to read your mind for you and then broadcast your
thoughts and emotions onto your friend or partner so you don’t have to bother
with the tedious and arduous task of moving your mouth into shapes that will
convey the secrets of your heart? Because I don’t think that sounds very fair,
both for your friend or for Charles Xavier. Do you think he really has time for
that? He has a mutant school to run, the Scarlet Witch to mentally obstruct,
the government to war with, not to mention his good friend Magneto who hates
humanity. Your little spat will mean nothing to that bald, crippled genius. And
really, if you won’t explain yourself, why should it mean anything to anyone else
either?
#3
Communicate. I told you I would attempt to overstate it. There is no greater importance to
solving conflicts than having that simple ability to work things out. And here
are some good tips to keep in mind whilst “communicating.”
a.
Listen. If you want to understand their point of
view, listening to them when they say things is essential. If most of this
stuff sounds like obvious rubbish everyone should already know, that’s probably
because it is. But just because something is obvious rubbish that we know we
should do does not automatically mean we do it without reminders, nagging,
and/or a good humiliatingly mocking blog post.
b.
Listen more, because simply not talking does not
equate listening. There must be an active engagement of the mind, focused on
the words that spill forth from their mouths, not simply to ensnare them in
their words, but to actually understand what they mean by them. Try to
empathize with their pain, which should be easy, since their pain was probably
caused by your senselessness and lunacy.
c.
Speak. There will come a time when you must draw
yourself out of that gloriously kingly shell and lower your humble royalty to
the level of your friend or partner in order to tell them exactly what the
issue is. This does not mean you rip into them with your witty sarcasm or
overpower them with the sound of your commanding, mighty voice. This means you
treat them with the same respect you are at that very moment expecting they
have for you, and that respect does not and should not be determined by whether
or not they are affording it to you at that time, otherwise it is relative
respect and therefore nonexistent. If you have any respect for them (and if you
don’t, stop being friends), then act like it even when you feel slighted by
their attitude.
d.
Give and take. This does not mean a compromise.
If it did, I would be compromising the extreme rudeness with which I address
you, perhaps crossing off most of the words already written (the last thing I want to be is a hypocrite!).
But as you may have noticed, I did not
write “compromise,” neither have I compromised one word on this frigging post.
Give and take means that as you are listening to their point of view, you are ready
to admit you may have been wrong, and be willing to try to understand their
grievances, just as you hope for them to understand yours. A conflict involves
two people; the resolution ought to as well.
e.
Avoid being cruel or apologizing when you don’t
mean it. If there is one issue, whether or not the pain that was heaped upon
you was intentional or not, their meanness doesn’t actually make any difference
in how you treat them. They are responsible for what they said, not what they
“made you say.” You alone are responsible for your actions and for your reactions. Don’t make it two issues by compounding the
argument into a cesspool of your depraved selfishness.
And what good does a
sarcastic apology do when things are already heating up? That only makes the
word “sorry” into another weapon, and weapons are mean. Do not be mean to
people, or you are a Nasty. And if you’re a Nasty, you don’t need any good
people surrounding you, being mistreated at your royal expense. Your meanness
alone should be enough. After all, aren’t other people just crutches to help
you when you need them, and at all other times they can just suck it? That’s
what meanness conveys. It’s mean.
#4
Communicate. Isn’t that what most of the problem comes down to? Obviously
if they still don’t know what the crap is wrong with you, your communicating is
as workable as the seventh draft of the mysterious healthcare bill proposed to
congress. It’s rubbish. Try again. If you really think that dangling a donut in
front of them to entice them to approach you so they can ask you all the right
questions until they have figured out the problem is equivalent to
communication, think again, hairy ape. Turns out, there is a difference between
two friends, and the CIA, just as there is a difference between telling someone
your problems, and having to be water-boarded and interrogated in order to
spill the beans.
Spilling the beans is a nauseating
idiom that Americans really had no reason to invent, and even less reason to
use, so I must apologize for that. Calling all readers hairy apes is one thing.
Using the spill the beans expression is another. I beg your forgiveness, which
brings us to the next Logical Way.
#5
Apologize for Your Single-minded Dumptitude. I know, “dumptitude” isn’t a
word, but I kind of think it should be, because it reminds me of the dumpy
attitude involved when someone thinks they are so much far above all others
that they have no reason to ever think about apologizing to another human being.
For some people, the thought of uttering a sincere apology makes them convulse
violently and it curdles their milk. Surely there is merit in not wanting to
taint your magnificent lips with the sounds of repentance, especially towards
inglorious scum such as your friends and acquaintances or whatever objects of
affection these meager beasts that surround you are titled. It makes no
difference.
#6
Avoid Feudal Friendships. Familiar with the feudal system? As a brief
reminder, there were mean lords and there were cute peasants. The peasants
worked in the fields that the lords owned – the peasants did all the dirty
work, and they didn’t even get to reap the rewards for their labor; it all went
to the fat lords up in their castles. The only benefit they got from the whole
rubbishy ordeal was the ability to claim protection in the castle from wild
people.
Some people are self-proclaimed
lords, and unfortunately, befriending them makes you a peasant. You are
required and expected to chase them, labor for the friendship, do all the dirty
work, resolve all the conflicts, and you don’t even reap the benefits of having
their appreciation or even the acknowledgement of your horrifying existence in
their extraordinary lives. The only thing you gain is perhaps security in
having someone to alleviate loneliness. Or perhaps security knowing that you
are not being mean. But does that matter if they don’t even notice your daily
sacrifices? You’re just a peasant after all, and the lords are much too busy to
bother with you. Go muck the cows.
But seriously, relationships are not
impossible if both parties cooperate. And I’m not talking one person is the
lord and the other is the peasant. When two human beings or even a human and a
bestial creature of scum such as yourself come together in friendship, there is
a sense of equality that has to be striven for, or it is not really a friendship:
it is slavery by the manipulation and egotistical superiority of the being
purporting to be more important than the other through words and deeds.
Overthrow the paper kingdom of
meanness. Refuse to muck the cow. Do not become the supplier of narcissism,
forsaking all other roles and identity for the sake of one selfish beast. And
for the love of the entire kingdom, don’t demand others to muck the cows
either. You are not the lord.
#7
Be Attuned to Other People’s Feelings. I really don’t care what lame excuse
you are coming up with right now. You and I both know how pitiful it will be,
when it only reflects your own selfishness. Other people have feelings. You do
too, or you wouldn’t be so nasty. The trick is remembering that just because
they aren’t YOUR feelings does not mean they are up for dismissal.
#8
Be Willing to Bend and Change. There is no reason to notice other people’s
feelings if you are not willing to do a confounded thing about it. Since there
is no known cure for prolific farmyard tendencies to act like a bovine or sow,
this type of decision must be up to the beast in question. You cannot expect
others to do all the heavy lifting for you; this is not a volunteer work day
(there’s always that one guy).
If there is no change, there was no
logical purpose for the whole conflict. Envision each argument and clash as an
opportunity to become a better friend, partner, brother, sister, etc. In that
way, even though fighting is bad, it can be for what is usually known as “the
greater good.” But let’s face it; the “greater good” phrase is a bunch of
rubbish. If you’re so selfish that you have to be told to communicate, commit,
humble your royal self, and listen to the person with whom you have the
conflict, why in the name of Adolf Hitler would you be concerned with the good
of all people?
Wherein
I Sell Your Selfishness Back to You: So let me sell it back to you, Mr.
Selfish Beast, he that resides in each of us, to whom this post is addressed.
Let me tell you the secrets of friendship, although it will sound sickening to
those who prefer the self-righteousness of not feeling as selfish as they
really are. But let’s be honest.
A friendship wherein both parties
are sacrificing, stretching, growing, and changing into better people together
will feel much more fulfilling and rewarding than being even the king in a
feudal friendship. The service, love and commitment will all mean so much more,
because it wasn’t demanded. It was earned.
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