The Root of Pain

     There is not a special place in hell for people who commit suicide. In fact, it would seem that Christians have more of a reason to do so than most; we know where we are going, we know that we are pardoned of all mistakes, and whatever heaven is like is certain to outshine this life and all its hideous pain.

     The problem we have is that even Christians sometimes wonder where our place is. Spiritual awareness does not always mean you have spiritual understanding. Life gets hard and we begin to question what was meant to go unquestioned. We ask ourselves what is the purpose of life, even though we of all people should know the answer.

     When pain momentarily blinds us, we begin to doubt the very fiber of our spirituality. Our faith is replaced with "I know, but-" and we all become like Thomas. We hear that Jesus is among us, but we will not believe it unless we can touch him. 

     Sometimes it is in these times of absolute aloneness when we are filled with greatest agony that God becomes most real to us. Perhaps it is these times when we feel the most alone that He is nearest. Perhaps His presumed absence is to help us appreciate and treasure His presence. Christians might have "reasons" to commit suicide, but His hand is always there to prevent it.

     When we blame life for our pain, it is a misconception. Life is not the source of our pain, but rather it is the recipient. The source of pain is the world and all the evil people just like us that live in it. Life is not only our interaction with this evil and the reception of all the inevitable pain, but it is our reaction to that pain mentally, physically, and spiritually. The world and the people are evil; life is the result of that and how we deal with it.

     To say everyone has a terrible life is not only a misconstrued idea, but it is a logical flaw. Everyone lives in a terrible world, everyone is part of the sin curse, and we all share in the evil. But not everyone has a terrible life. Everyone is given different measures of pain, but Life is only our reaction to that. If our life is terrible, it is therefore mostly our doing.

     Desiring to end this life because it is terrible is not only evil, but it is also fallacious. We can only end our own life; and what we know of as "life" – our interaction with and reception of pain – is severed, but the cause of pain still remains. Our spark of life, with all its evil and all our errors still has hope and light for others. This hopeful light is what is snuffed out by suicide, not the pain.

     Since pain is from the world, instead of ending our pain, suicide actually adds to pain's root. Every time we do evil, we add to the sin curse and we create out of our momentary bliss our child: Pain.

     Suicide does not bring escape, for there is nothing to escape from. Our interaction and reception of pain is not one-sided. We have the chance and responsibility to respond. Our lives are beautiful because they are defiance of this overbearing pain. Our lives are beautiful because they are tenacious refusals to allow sin, death, hurt, and pain the victory over a battle we have already won. Our lives are beautiful because this painful stance we take gives us and others hope. Your Life is beautiful because you are the only human who has a say in how it plays out. Others may influence and bend it, but you alone make the final decision of how to live each day.

     Every breath we take is a spit in the face of pain, a proclamation that we will not be vanquished, and it is a source of hope and light for others who are surrounded by darkness. What dictates whether our lives are terrible or beautiful does not depend on what hand we are dealt, but rather how we play our cards. Despite the heaviest pain and most smothering depression, it can still be a fulfilling, beautiful life. A horrible lump of clay is given to us; we decide what shape it takes. We are all artists, after all.